


Well, I'm Alright: Five Times Jayne Wanted to Kill Kenny (But Didn't)

by curi_o



Series: The Five Meme [5]
Category: Firefly
Genre: Content: Humor, Gen, Meme: Five Times/Five Things, Meta: Juvenilia, Relationship: pre-River/Jayne, Topics: First Time, Topics: Jealousy, Topics: Rescue, Topics: Substance Abuse, Topics: Weapons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-07
Updated: 2006-11-07
Packaged: 2017-11-08 22:49:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/448416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curi_o/pseuds/curi_o
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jayne wishes he could kill Kenny. A lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Well, I'm Alright: Five Times Jayne Wanted to Kill Kenny (But Didn't)

**Author's Note:**

> As part of the Five Fic Meme, [toxic_corn](http://toxic-corn.livejournal.com/) passed this prompt on to me. Kenny is an OC Tox invented to [make Jayne's gift-giving difficult](http://toxic-corn.livejournal.com/20827.html). He became a regular in a few of her Rayne Five Fic entries. Go get yourself introduced to him, and then mosey on back and read about how much self-control Jayne had when it came to the guy.
> 
>  
> 
> _You know, they say mercy is the mark of a great man. Guess I'm just a good man. Well, I'm alright._  
>  — Malcolm Reynolds to Atherton Wing, Firefly episode 6: "Shindig"

* * *

**Index**  
Candlestick . Knife . Lead Pipe . Revolver . Rope

  
**Candlestick**

“Thanks, Kaylee!” hollered Kenny. “What you did with the lights is just perfect!”

Jayne scowled into his bowl of noodles.

“And Simon’s doing a great job of keeping River occupied,” Kenny continued, yelling over the sound of whatever he was cookin’. “Will you thank him for me, once you all get off-ship?”

 _That was IT!_ He weren’t gonna sit here and take no more of that softie pilot’s squeaking and carryin’ on. If he wanted to keep his surprise for River a _surprise_ , that Kenny kid was gonna have to learn to keep his gorram mouth shut.

Jayne decided it was time for him to say as much. “What part of ‘she’s a Reader’ don’t make sense to you, boy? You’re gonna ruin the whole thing for her, you keep runnin’ your trap!” he hissed, storming out of the kitchen. He paused in his bunk to gather some things before leaving the boat.

He’d just about made peace with that boy kissin’ on _his_ River, but damned if this weren’t the gun that busted the weapons tote. That—that—that _idiot_ child was plannin’ on this bein’ _the night_. _The_ night.

Kenny’d been jumpin’ about for a whole gorram week, skitterin’ around and makin’ all sorts of hush-hush plans with Kaylee’s help—so much for _loyalty_ , Kaylee. That kid’d even pulled off the impossible, gettin' Doc and Inara and _Mal_ involved in his big scheme. Well, Jayne s’posed Mal’s help kinda made sense. Mal was all about elaborate stupid plans.

Kid had even asked Jayne himself to help move some heavy crates or somethin’; Jayne hadn’t really waited around long enough to find out what Kenny wanted. ‘Course, the boy’d got it done anyway, without Jayne’s help, and now he was all set for his “romantic candlelight dinner” with River.

Well, Jayne could only hope River’d be disgusted with how bad Kenny wanted to get up under her skirts; kid had been walkin’ around with a stiffy would make a whore blush for days.

Jayne wasn’t sure if he was s’posed to feel guilty for hopin’ that when he got back to _Serenity_ in the mornin’, River and Kenny’d be sleepin’ at opposite ends of the boat—with Kenny, preferably, sleepin’ on the ground at the ass-end of the Firefly, and River’s red-eyed, puffy face lightin’ up in a big relieved smile to see Jayne comin’ for her.

When the mercenary woke the next morning, sore and stiff from sleepin’ where it looked like he’d passed out after a hard night’s drinkin’, he let the image of River lead his feet back to _Serenity_.

When he entered the bay and saw a lumpy mass of blankets and limbs on the floor, with candles melted down all over the place, it took all his restraint—plus the hangover—to keep him from goin’ after Kenny with one of them ass-ugly candlesticks.

  
**Knife**

If Mal and ‘Nara couldn’t stop fightin’ long enough to get themselves a decent sexin’, Jayne figured it was up to him to make them at least stop yellin’ long enough for _him_ to get a decent sleep. Mal expected him to be a useful presence on the job tomorrow, and that meant _not_ snorin’ into his jacket, which was what he was gonna be doing if they couldn’t keep their _gorram voices DOWN!_

Jayne stalked toward the cargo bay, from where all the arguin' sounded like it was comin’. He’d gotten as far as the mess when a lithe little body rammed into his chest.

“Oof!” he grunted, automatically reaching to steady Inar— “River? What’s goin’ on? Somethin’ comin’?” he queried, hurriedly assessing the darkened hallway.

The girl’s body was stiff under his hands, her gaze locked on his chest. She remained unresponsive, save for the sniffles issuing from her nose. 

Jayne sighed and shook her. “Woman, I need ya to tell me what’s wrong so’s I can fix it, dong ma?”

Her voice was hoarse, like she was talkin’ at him through pillows. “Nothing you can do, Jayne. First cuts, first fights: they always sting the most.” She traced the scar over Jayne’s chest as she spoke, and Jayne shivered at her touch.

Reluctantly, he released his hold on her forearms. “I’ll kill ’im for ya, if ya want,” he offered. _Say yes; please say yes._

“The offer is sweet, but unnecessary,” River murmured, turning her red-rimmed eyes on him. “I like Kenny alive, most of the time,” she continued, moving past Jayne toward her bunk.

As he returned to his own bed, Jayne muttered, “Yeah, well I don’t.”

  
**Lead Pipe**

Jayne supposed everyone had a few secrets. River had been teeming with ‘em—hell, she’d been one herself—when her pansy-ass brother had her loaded onto _Serenity_ like a crate of bobble-head dolls or protein bars. Mal didn’t talk much about his life on Shadow, and Zoe didn’t talk about her life before the war; now she was carryin’ whatever of Wash’s secrets (he must’ve had _some_ ) the late little man had told her.

Kaylee, now; that girl could _have_ a secret, sure—for about five seconds. Inara, on the other hand, had lots of secrets; she’d said as much. Kenny, though. Jayne had never guessed Kenny’s secret would be somethin’ like _this_.

That boy had a powerful love of stoner leaf.

No one would have ever known about it had the recipients of that last cargo they’d transported not decided to give them a special thank-you with a whole _crate_ of the stuff. From what Jayne could figure, Mal must’ve been either drunk or absent when the “gift” made its way into the bay. Cap’n never would’ve agreed to lettin’ somethin’ like that take up space on his ship.

Weren’t like leaf was contraband or nothin’, though Jayne had heard tell of a time when it had been. He thought of his own Grandma Cobb’s fondness for a blunt at a family gathering, or the way the leaf had eased his Great Aunt Marcie’s nausea when she was on some meds and feelin’ poorly. The image of them uptight, righteous old ladies behind bars, stubbornly refusin’ to quit smokin’ away, had always tickled him.

‘Course, it weren’t so funny watchin’ River try and handle Kenny when the kid was in a mellow. Kenny’d been okay the first couple of days after Mal’d insisted they open the crate to find out what was inside. He of the Ridiculously Tiny Trousers had decided they could maybe turn a bitty profit off of it, ‘stead of lettin’ it float out the airlock.

Kaylee and Kenny’d lobbied for their fair shares of the leaf, and Simon had taken his bit, claiming it might come in handy in a “medical situation.” Then Inara’d gone for the stash with a pretty, airtight box, and Jayne had found himself on the unfamiliar ground of abstinence. He felt a little smug, however, knowing that he’d taken the same position as River, who had made her decision to avoid the stuff clear to them all. She’d just gotten back _in_ control of her head, after all; weren’t no reason she’d want to feel all drugged up an’ strange.

That didn’t stop prickface Kenny from offerin’ to share with her when he was stoned off his ass, though. Which started bein’ more and more of the time, ‘cause he insisted he had to use it up ‘fore it went bad. Which became a problem when River caught him _flyin’_ while, as she put it, “altered.”

The whole crew’d heard her tellin’ him how what he was doin’ was a disrespect to Wash’s memory and then kickin’ him off of the bridge. She’d told Kenny (and Mal) that she was going to pilot until the _cannabis_ was off the ship.

That kid pissed Jayne off somethin’ fierce when he didn’t even have the decency to act ashamed. He actually _grumbled_ about River bein’ close-minded, or somethin’ like that. Jayne was about ready to get the little glass pipe the kid had been smokin’ and shove it down the boy’s throat.

It was the way River kept takin’ care of Kenny that stopped Jayne from givin’ the little shit what for. She’d sit with him even if he weren’t sober and they’d talk and laugh and cuddle, and Jayne decided the tears that would be on her face if he killed Kenny wouldn’t be worth it in the end.

  
**Revolver**

It weren’t like she’d never cried a’fore that hun dan pilot had joined ‘em. Hell, sometimes it’d even been Jayne _makin’_ her cry. But it had never hurt this bad to _see_ her cry when “Kenny” meant askin’ if a feller could do somethin’.

Jayne was runnin’ out of mean things to think about River’s boyfriend. Or he’d thought he was, before that skinny little sumbitch had pulled his latest stunt.

Damn him. Who’d he think he was, lookin’ at River’s shiny new gun like it were somethin’ nasty and scary and wrong? Might as well have looked at River herself that way; it didn’t take a reader to know that’s just how the pretty little woman felt.

River sat staring at her new sidearm for a long time after Kenny left the table. Jayne knew, because he’d brought his girls out to clean them and give River a chance to spend some time with her new girl.

Tore him up somethin’ awful, how every time he’d sneak a glance at the woman he adored she was still wearin’ that expression like she’d just been slapped.

 _’Nough of this go se_ , Jayne thought. It was time he made her laugh.

He cleared his throat. “Riv.”

The woman in question jerked as though he’d just shot her. She looked at him, eyes all bloodshot and watery, and Jayne kept a tight reign on his body. He didn’t know which of two things it would’ve done if he hadn’t—beat the shit out of Kenny or run for his bunk with River in his arms.

“You name ‘er yet?”

The questioning look on her face remained for a moment before a flash of irritation crossed her face. Well, irritation at him was better’n bein’ sad ‘cause of a piece of crap like Kenny.

“I’ve named _him_ , yes; his name is Francis,” she sighed.

“ _Him!_ Francis!?”

Amusement flickered in River’s brown eyes. “Jayne objects?”

“Damn right Jayne objects! Guns’re like boats; they’re always s’posed to be girls!”

River snorted. “Apeman piffle. Do you enjoy life in the stone age?”

Jayne didn’t really want to get into a fightin’ match with the female he was tryin’ to make happier, so he decided to let that bit go. “Well, Francis is a _girl_ ’s name!”

River raised an eyebrow. “I’ve never asked you to prove _you’ve_ got man-parts.” 

Jayne flinched. 

“Besides,” she continued, “there have been plenty of men named Francis. The difference is all in the spelling. Women get an ‘e’; men get an ‘i’.”

Jayne rolled his eyes. “Whatever, River-girl. What I was gonna say is that if’n she— _he_ —has got a name, you oughter give him some action, make him feel at home.”

River considered the idea. “That does sound like a good idea. But Captain Daddy wouldn’t like it if Francis made a hole in _Serenity_.”

Jayne’s eyes lit with a mischievous glint. “Well, I was thinkin’ maybe we could get Kenny to be the target; get him introduced to Francis real intimate-like.” He grinned to let River know he was only playing.

To his delight, she laughed along.

  
**Rope**

Jayne had half a mind to yank the rope around Kenny’s neck a little tighter before cutting him down.

“You dumb-ass kid! What kind of idiot almost gets himself hanged? What the hell’d you say to them folk, anyway, to make ‘em want to kill you? You gorram fool, makin’ people all worried about you!”

Kenny’s voice was raw. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Jayne snorted. “Hell, I was glad you were gone. Or I would’ve been, ‘cept River _was_ worried. And when River’s worried, I get real damn antsy. You get back on _Serenity_ , you make sure you apologize good and full and proper for upsettin’ her, _dong ma_? Else you’ll wish I hadn’t been such a Big Damn Hero today.”

Before Kenny could respond, Jayne stomped back to his horse, leaving Mal and Zoe to figure out how to get the undeserving little runt back to their home. Jayne had to go tell River the "good news."

  
**Index**  
Candlestick . Knife . Lead Pipe . Revolver . Rope  



End file.
